Do you ever feel like a failure? Then congratulations, you
have lots of company! Feelings of failure are like the common cold of
psychotherapy nowadays.
So what can you do about these feelings? Here's a trick
question I sometimes use:
“Let’s switch places and have you do a little therapy for
me. I am almost 60 years old, and have come to realize I
will always be a ‘B-list’ author and speaker. No one will ever stop me in
airports for an autograph, and I will probably I never keynote the big
conferences. So tell me, how should I feel about being doomed to the B-list?”
People usually walk right into my trap. They empathize with
how frustrated I must be, or say they understand my plight. Or give me a pep
talk about how I could still do better.
My answer? I break into a huge smile and say, “I love being on the B-list! It’s like
winning a game show! Getting paid to write books and being flown all over the
country to speak is fantastic! Being on the B-list is totally awesome!”
Which leads to my real point. We falsely connect winning with
being happy. We feel we must be unsatisfied with our current performance – and
therefore emotionally unhappy – to goad ourselves to succeed.
Instead, this makes us emotionally constipated. Being
critical and self-judging is never the road to success. Top athletes, for
example, generally learn to shake off failure and keep improving. Which means,
by corollary, that they always like themselves in the moment. If you really
want to be the best – your best – you
must like yourself right now, exactly as
you are.
So be proud of being second best. Notice I didn't say settle for second best - improving yourself
is always awesome. But psychology says that your best hope of winning
lies in being present wherever you are - second, third, or whatever - with a
smile.
I am actually no slouch as an author and speaker. I’ve had a
couple of national bestsellers, make a nice living speaking, and lifetime gross
sales of my books recently topped a million dollars. But I got there by being
happy and proud of myself at every point of a decades-long journey. I keep getting
better because I like myself and love my craft – not because I grimly put my
nose to the grindstone harder.
Finally, your self-worth affects your relationships with
others. A few years ago I spoke at a conference following a keynote by Dan Thurmon,
a rock-star speaker who combines acrobatics, juggling and breathtaking risk to
enthrall the audience. I will never be Dan Thurmon. In fact, my back hurts just
watching him! But seeing better writers, speakers or therapists in action delights
me - which in turn leads to authentic and satisfying relationships with my
community of peers.
Dr. David Burns, perhaps the best selling self-help author
in history, made this same point nearly a quarter-century ago in his book Feeling Good, in a delightful chapter
entitled “Dare to be Average!” He talks about how perfectionism always leads to
a brick wall, and being average leads to a magic garden of joy and success. This
point is more than just good advice – it is also sound behavioral science.
So embrace the B-list. Go out there and do your very best crappy
job at whatever you are doing. And be proud of it. My guess is that you will become
happier and more successful than you ever imagined!
