Like everyone, I am shocked and saddened by the death of
Robin Williams – someone whom I honestly felt was the most brilliant funnyman
of our era. While it was no secret that he suffered from depression and
alcoholism for much of his life, I will not try to analyze what led him to make
this choice – only pray for him and his surviving family.
But I do want to say something to an equally important
person: you. You are still alive and reading this. And if you are feeling desperate,
hopeless, or unloved, I would like to chat with you for a minute.
If the thought of suicide has crossed your mind, then more
than anything, you are probably feeling overwhelmingly alone. You may be
thinking thoughts like these:
-“This pain is never going to end.”
-“I have struggled for so long with (mental illness, substance
abuse, disability, or whatever) things will never get better.”
-“I feel so humiliated by something I did – or failed to
accomplish – or that happened to me – that I can’t face the judgment of others.”
-“Because I am (unemployed, poor, divorced, retired, flunked
out, or whatever) my life has no value.”
-“People would be better off without me.”
I would love to talk you out of these thoughts. And it would
be tempting to try, because they often turn out to be untrue in the long run.
But I probably can’t. So instead, I would like to try and share a little
behavioral science with you. Here are just three simple things I would like you
to remember:
1) Realize that you
are feeling alone. Which has a simple and proven antidote: DON’T BE ALONE.
Don’t try to figure out your thoughts quite yet. Just share them with someone. Perhaps
someone who cares about you, or perhaps a crisisline or mental health
professional. (Incidentally, calling a crisisline is one of the most effective
public health interventions in existence.) Whatever you do, please bring other
people in on your situation. This one simple guideline is more likely to keep
you alive than any other.
2) You need a safety
plan. Willpower is the worst thing you can depend on to do anything,
including staying alive. Instead, you need a plan that will always be there for
you. Know who you will call, where you will go, and whom you will stay with
when life gets overwhelming. And then make a contract with yourself and others that
you will always execute that plan.
I recommend making at least one professional part of your
plan, whether it is a therapist, a crisisline, the police, or your local
hospital. Why? Because of another fact that may surprise you: friends and
family are often your worst resources in a mental health crisis. Unless they
have been trained, you may get pat answers, pep talks or awkward silences when
what you really need is competent help and support. So if possible, make the
right professional(s) AND the right loved ones part of your plan.
(P.S. If you are wondering what to say to a loved one who is
at risk of suicide, I have written a detailed blog on this, linked here.)
3) Don’t wait until
you are in crisis. I often suggest that therapy clients call a crisisline
for fun, just to see what the experience is like – and as a former crisisline
volunteer, I can tell you that they will welcome the call. Knowing that there
are *always* people who will listen and talk with you, 24 hours a day, about
anything that bothers you is powerful and strengthening.
Another reason not to wait until you are in crisis is that
professionals vary like anyone. (You’ve probably heard the joke about what they
call the person who graduates last in medical school: “Doctor.”) If you don’t
feel you connect with a therapist, prescriber or care facility, try another
one. You deserve to have the very best people on your team when you need them.
I am by no means implying that these three steps might have
saved Robin Williams. That would be horribly unfair to him and his surviving
family, because we will never know what happened. Instead, I mourn his passing
and wish them peace. But for many of you who feel desperate and hopeless right
now, these steps will give you a much stronger chance of staying alive: don’t
be alone, have a safety plan, and don’t wait until a crisis erupts. Good luck
and be well.
