I am writing this during the holidays, which for many people
are the loneliest time of the year. It is often dark, cold, and depressing. And
for too many, the popular image of holiday togetherness stands in stark contrast
to what is going on in their lives. Especially for those struggling with a
loss, a breakup, family problems, or simply one more year without a close
relationship to anyone.
There are lots of chirpy articles out there with tips about
dealing with loneliness. They talk about things like getting a cat, taking a
walk, or seeing your favorite movie - many of which do little for the bone-deep
sense of isolation that many people feel. Worse, they often tacitly imply that perhaps
you should settle for being alone.
I have a different perspective entirely - one that comes
from observing people move past deep states of loneliness to find meaning and intimacy.
Here are what I have come to feel are three *real* steps for banishing
loneliness from your life:
1. Team up. Talking
to another human being about your loneliness is no more shameful than talking
to a mechanic about your car problems. There are always compassionate people to talk to, right this very moment if
you wish. Call a crisisline, visit an online support site, or contact a
volunteer support organization. Then be open and honest about how alone you
feel.
Or better yet, start seeing a therapist. All right, I am
biased. But we are much more than "paid friends." We are trained
professionals with the skills to teach - and coach - you how to find more intimacy
in your life, within the context of a supportive therapeutic relationship. And
we serve as a weekly connection with another human being who is always in your
corner. Which brings me to the next point:
2. Learn new interpersonal
skills. I don't know why you are lonely. But there are reasons lots of
other people are. Here are just a few:
·
You are grieving the loss of someone and don't
know how to reconnect with others
·
You feel too old, unattractive, unlikeable,
mentally ill, or whatever to have friends or a partner
·
You have social anxiety and it is painful to
approach people or risk rejection
·
You - and I mean this in the nicest possible way
- don't know how to make other people feel good
·
You are hurting too badly to make room for
another person in your life
The common denominator between each of these problems is
that they can all be addressed by learning new skills. Whether it is learning
how to connect with other people at an emotional level, how to overcome social
fears, how to stop judging yourself, or how to work through grief and live
again, there are strategies you probably haven't tried yet that can help you.
For example, I developed a handout for clients with social
anxiety called "Conversation 101" - essentially, a Betty Crocker
cookbook of simple techniques for having a nourishing, five-to-seven minute
conversation with anyone. (P.S. If you would like a copy, email me!) It works
really well. So if you feel you can't talk to people, well, I bet you can.
Same thing with deciding, for whatever reason, that you
don't merit the company of others. Do you know what one of the most surprising
things I have discovered from seeing hundreds of clients as a family therapist?
That factors like looks, mental illness, or age seem to have almost NO correlation
with relationship status. What does have a much bigger factor is your own
self-talk - and we can fix that.
3. Start looking at
people differently. We all fear rejection from others. Honor that feeling
if it looms large for you. But from now on, start looking at your interactions
with others as an opportunity to practice the new skills we just discussed,
rather than as the sole measure of your self-worth.
A key concept in cognitive-behavioral therapy, which I
practice, is to take small steps toward new goals. So stay in your comfort zone
as you start interacting with others. One person might go to a large party or
networking event, another might have a friend set them up on a low-pressure
date, still another may just start saying "hello" to the checkout
clerks at Wegmans. It is perfectly all right to go slow if you need to.
Whatever you do, start looking at these encounters the same
way you learned to use chopsticks - it's OK even if you make a mess. Treat
yourself regardless as someone who is worthy of the love of others. Perhaps
sooner than you think, you will find that people respond in kind. And over
time, you will find yourself building more connections with others.
I find that many lonely people view their situation as a fate
handed down by God. But my actual experience is that overcoming loneliness is much
more of a skills-based process - one that often leads people to a new reality
of being liked and loved. I hope that you will find joy and intimacy in your
life as well.
