At the same time, choosing a therapist is not exactly the
same as choosing a plumber. While nearly any plumber can unclog your sink, finding
the right therapist is a bit more like dating – they need to click with you,
and more importantly have the expertise to help you feel better.
All of this can vary widely from therapist to therapist. So,
to use myself as an example, here are some reasons why you might NOT want to
work with me.
I am very practical. Psychotherapists are on a
spectrum that ranges from deep introspection to charts, graphs and exercises. I
am at the far practical end of that spectrum. If you’re afraid of heights or
wash your hands 100 times a day, I’m your guy. If you want to deeply explore past traumas and find your inner child – which is an equally worthy quest –
I probably am not.
I’m a guy. In fact, an old, white, heterosexual, cis-gendered
guy. This doesn’t mean that I only work with other old, white, heterosexual, cis-gendered
guys – I welcome everyone, and have had great relationships and good outcomes
with women, minorities, gays, transgender people, polyamorous relationships,
and more. The majority of the 10,000 or so therapy sessions I’ve had over my
career are with people who aren’t like me.
That said, demographics often matter. A female sexual abuse
survivor may feel inhibited opening up to a male clinician, and someone who is
transgender may want to speak with someone who understands their life at a gut
level. We totally get this. The bottom line: understand and honor your own
preferences for whom you are comfortable with.
I have specific expertise. My licensure allows me to
treat literally any mental health issue, and I can at least hum a few bars for
many of them. However, there are a few specific things I am particularly good
at, which people often seek me out for – and several where I am not.
One thing I am really good at is treating anxiety disorders
such as fears, phobias, and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I have both clinical
and lived experience with these disorders, have authored bestselling books on treating
them, and recently published a new treatment protocol for contamination OCD
that is now in use at major clinics around the world. This is one area where I know
what I’m doing, and have a very high rate of success.
Another is couple and family counseling. I was a successful
communications skills author and speaker long before I became a therapist, and
have role-played difficult conversations on stage for literally tens of
thousands of people over the years. So, I am very comfortable putting myself in
the middle of other people’s family conflicts, and usually figure out the
mechanics of what is going on fairly quickly.
Conversely, there is a long list of things – including eating
disorders, neurodiversity, substance abuse, and much more – where seeing me
would be like asking a family doctor to do the job of a cardiologist. So always
ask a therapist how much experience they have with YOUR issues, and avoid ones
who feel they treat everything.
My personality is, well, my personality. I am upbeat,
talkative, don’t shame or push people, and am not above giving advice or sharing
a little self-disclosure. I personally never liked or benefited from therapists
who answer questions with questions or sit silently stroking their chins, so I
try hard to be the kind of therapist I’ve always wanted for myself. And as
Popeye says, I yam what I yam.
People who like people like that tend to like me. But if you
prefer a quiet, reflective therapist who does a lot more listening than talking
– or a coach who pushes you out of your comfort zone to help you grow – I may
not be your cup of tea. And vice-versa.
To sum it all up, psychotherapy occupies a unique niche,
even among health care providers. With most doctors, the primary concern is
whether they are GOOD – and to put a finer point on it, a grumpy physician who
can do effective heart surgery or treat your bad back is often still a good
choice.
Therapy, on the other hand, is a little more like choosing a
roommate or a partner. It is still a business relationship with boundaries, like
any paid service, but their personal fit with you AND their skills both matter
a great deal. This is why I will never have a sales mentality about this work,
and why you should run, not walk, from anyone who does. So, shop around, don’t
be afraid to keep looking if you don’t click with someone, and above all, never
presume that “help” doesn’t help if someone is a bad fit. Happy hunting!
