The Wegmans Test

How can you tell how strong your relationship is?

As a marriage and family therapist, I use a number of assessment tools to test this. They tell me, in gory numerical detail, where a couple's strengths and weaknesses lie. But I have a much simpler one you can use on your very next trip to the grocery store: I call it the Wegmans test.

Here in upstate New York, Wegmans is an extremely popular local supermarket chain. Their stores are huge, and going there is a bit like grocery shopping at Disneyland. Here in my native Ithaca, NY the local Wegmans is roughly the size of two football fields, has everything from dry cleaning to a pizzeria, and is open 24 hours a day.

Which means that aisles at Wegmans are huge. Now, suppose you turn the corner into one of these aisles, and you suddenly catch a glimpse your partner off in the far distance. What is the very first thought that immediately enters your mind? That is the Wegmans test.

When I first see my spouse at the other end of the store, my first thought is always to smile and think, "Ahh ... there goes my beautiful wife." This powerful first relationship-defining thought is what lies underneath whatever ups or downs are going on between us that day. It undoubtedly governs the stance I take toward her when all else is at rest - the words I choose, the emotions I feel, and the level of partnership I bring to the relationship. It is likely the reason I am still deeply in love with her after over 40 years together.

Now, suppose you see your partner and your subconscious gut reaction is "Ugh, there is the curmudgeon I have to go home with." In all likelihood, your communications, your mutual problem-solving style, and your motivation to improve the relationship are very different from mine. And that, in turn, is why you are both so unhappy most of the time.

Marriage therapists like me make a profession of helping couples get closer, starting with learning new ways to talk - and more importantly, listen - to each other. But I could teach you all the communications skills in the world, and none of them would help if that basic, underlying spark isn't there. In fact, more often than not it would be like trying to bring a dead fish back to life. That is why the Wegmans test is so important.

So what should you do if the two of you flunk the Wegmans test? For starters, ignore most articles on how to be a closer couple. Candlelight dinners, holding hands, and even good listening skills aren't going to cut it when you fundamentally get under each other's skin. 

Instead, be honest with yourself - and better yet, each other - about what you might both need to change to bring the spark back. It might be as simple as learning to respect each other's preferences, or as complicated as unearthing past hurts and traumas in therapy. Either way, the keys to a good relationship are waiting for you right there in the produce aisle.