Saturday, June 15, 2013

What to say to a bully at work

I often teach training programs on difficult situations in the workplace, and one of the topics I am often asked to cover is working with bullies.

Type “dealing with bullies” in your favorite Internet search engine and you will get nearly a quarter of a million hits. This is no great surprise: according to a recent poll by the Workplace Bullying Institute and Zogby International in late 2007, over a third of employees report being bullied, half of them to the extent that it affects their health. That represents a lot of misery out there.

But here is the real surprise: type in the exact phrase “what to say to a bully at work” and you get *zero* hits. Simplify it to “what to say to a bully” and you will get about 50 hits, some of which are from people trying to sell you a book or program, and none of which appear to actually tell you what to say to a bully.

Why so much silence on such an important subject? Because bullies are seen in most of these resources as one-dimensional enemies to simply be fought or avoided – some even flatly recommend that you do not engage a bully. As a result, nearly all of the advice out there revolves around the legalities of handling bullies: documenting specific abuses, when to speak with you HR department, what your legal rights are, and the like.

Perhaps a more balanced view comes from the government of South Australia, which has strict legal protections against workplace bullying. A recent report from them describes workplace bullies (the majority of whom are supervisors) as people who often lack basic management skills and do not know how to behave differently. In their words, “They believe that good management is "tough" management which involves making instant decisions, tolerating no dissent or disagreement, driving people to work harder or faster, dispensing with anyone who cannot keep up and generally treating everyone in a harsh and unfeeling manner. Such managers also believe that if they do not behave in this way they will be seen as "weak" and therefore unlikely to survive in their position.”

Of course, some bullies cross the line into inappropriate behavior, like this one who knocks over filing cabinets to make a point. (I have a good three-word technique for this situation: “call the police”) Others may be sexist, racist, or out to exploit power for their personal gain. But for others – perhaps the majority – I honestly feel that the right communications skills can help defuse these situations and build mutual respect.

Here is my view as a communications skills expert:

We tend to view bullies as evil villains, and this view colors our responses. But bullies generally respond to being challenged the way most of us do, by fighting back and rationalizing that you are the problem. This is nothing more than classic cognitive-behavioral psychology.

If you change the script of what you say, you can often change the outcome – particularly if you speak to their interests while maintaining your own dignity and boundaries. So here is my advice on what to say to the garden-variety, non-sociopathic office bully:

1. Start the conversation in a safe place by acknowledging and validating their agenda. For example:

-When someone has an angry outburst, say, “I can tell by your tone of voice that you are pretty upset.”
-When someone has been spreading rumors about you, say, “I understand you have some concerns about my performance” or “”I understand you aren’t happy about what I said to Sally.”
-When someone is pressuring you to do an unrealistic amount of work, say, “It sounds like we are under a lot of deadline pressure. Tell me about it.”

Yes, it feels funny to talk like this with someone who acts like a jerk. It feels like sucking on a lemon for most of us. And no, it doesn’t always work, particularly when things cross the line into discrimination or abuse. But perhaps 70% of the time, this will get you into productive dialogue. Try it and see what happens.

2. Ask non-threatening, factual questions about their behavior. In general, when you make statements and tell people what do to, they push back – but when you ask questions, you are both giving them the floor and holding them accountable. For example:

-“What would you have liked me to do instead?”
-“How would you have preferred that I handled things with Sally?”
-“Tell me more about what our clients are expecting by the deadline. Do we have any flexibility with them? Could I speak with them directly and see how we can help?”

3. Set boundaries while offering to address their agenda. Bullies usually fight back when they are challenged, but a surprising number of people will respect you for standing your ground if – and this is a big if – you also speak to their interests. For example:

-“I don’t want to see you upset, and I don’t want to be yelled at in the future. Where can we go from here?”
-“I don’t want you to feel criticized, and I also want to be free to be honest with other people. How can we solve this in the future?”
-“I want to make the client happy, and I feel I can honestly do X much work between now and then. How should I best use my time between now and the deadline?”

I feel that everyone is entitled to a workplace that is free from harassment, and fully support legal protections designed to put an end to workplace bullying. But in the meantime, I also feel that in many cases, your communications skills can make a big difference in stopping these situations in their tracks.

In my world, nothing ever goes wrong

Normally I am not a big "motivational slogan" kind of guy. (Here is why.) But a while back, I did hear one quote that has stuck with me for months now. It comes from self-help author Dr. Wayne Dyer, who quoted someone as saying:

"In my world, nothing ever goes wrong."

In other words, everything is a learning experience. Our life is constructed around how we react to both the good and bad things, and these reactions – in and of themselves – are much more important than what actually happens.

This resonates with me. Much of my own happiness today rests in dealing with life as it is, and not just how I wish it was. I discovered over time that a cancelled flight, a delayed project, or even a personal struggle need not define my mood: we cannot control life events, but we can choose (with time and perspective) how we interpret many of these events. Everyone has ups and downs, but I look back on my life so far and see lots of lessons, none of them bad in the end.

Along the same lines, I recently heard some research that completely stunned me: people who win the lottery are generally no happier a year after they win – and people who become paraplegic are generally no *less* happy a year after their accident. So look at the people you know. The people who constantly bitched about life years ago are, by golly, still bitching now, right? And I'll bet the people with positive outlooks haven't changed much either. So guess who I choose to associate with?

Slogans have their limits, of course – I wouldn't try to tell someone who has just experienced a tragedy, for example, that nothing ever goes wrong. But for the most part, I feel that learning to accept things, overcome them, or let them point me in a new direction has a lot to do with why I am a pretty happy guy most of the time. Because in my world, nothing ever goes wrong. What do you folks think?

What to say to someone at risk of suicide

This blog discusses something I strongly feel everyone should know, just like we learn first aid or CPR. Most of us have the best of intentions when someone in our life is depressed – but in reality, we have no clue what to say. So we say things that don't help – or make the other person feel worse – or worst of all, we say nothing at all. (As one example, most of the things we think will motivate or cheer on a depressed person do not actually help.)

In 2005, when I was a crisisline counselor, I penned an anonymous piece for the Ithaca (NY) Journal about what we are trained to say to people in crisis. (Crisisline counselors, while actively serving, remain anonymous in the community.) I personally did not know these skills until I was taught them. If everyone learned them – especially how to really listen, without giving advice or "fixing" the other person – it would have a real impact.

People may not realize that crisis counseling is incredibly effective. Informal studies have shown that people who call crisislines are much more likely to stay alive afterwards. So if you are hurting, please, please call 800-273-TALK from anywhere in the USA, 24 hours a day. Be safe and be well.

* * *

As a volunteer for Suicide Prevention and Crisis Service, I am fortunate to work alongside a great team of staff and volunteers. Together, we help over 10,000 callers a year from all walks of life - and while the calls themselves are anonymous and confidential, some of the life lessons they teach us are worth passing along to all of us.

First of all, you might think that the main function of an agency called Suicide Prevention and Crisis Service is to prevent people from committing suicide. Wrong. That happens to be the most critical thing we do, and we are highly trained for it. But what usually happens day in, day out, 24 hours a day on the SPCS Crisisline is something that is even more important: we show respect, dignity and understanding to a great many people who often experience none of these things in the rest of their life.

You see, the typical Crisisline caller isn't about to commit suicide. The typical caller may be a teenager whose parents constantly scream at him about his clothes, his tattoos and his attitude - but is feeling lonely and scared. Or a severely mentally ill person who is keenly aware of the strange looks she gets from passers-by, and feels ignored and rejected by her family, friends and caregivers. Or a retired professional who feels alone and useless, as his once-busy days now drag on endlessly. Or someone who feels compelled to cross-dress, or cut themselves, and feels out of control.

They could be any of literally thousands of people in this community who are hurting in ways that make them feel alone and different from the rest of us - and desperately need to talk with someone.

Here are some of the things that crisis counselors do when these people call the SPCS Crisisline:

Really listen. When someone has a problem, human nature is to give advice - or criticism. Crisis counselors never do either. Instead, they listen - and continually acknowledge the feelings of the person they are listening to. This creates a zone of acceptance where people can truly open up and start to examine and solve problems.

Check for safety. Many of us are afraid to say anything when we are worried someone might hurt or kill themselves - sometimes, tragically, until it is too late. Crisis counselors check with every person, on every call, to make sure they are safe. Never be afraid to ask frankly if someone has been considering suicide.

Focus on the present moment. Crisis counselors cannot cure mental illness, take away losses, or fix someone's life. What they can do, perhaps better than anyone, is look for the one most important thing bothering someone right now. These "focusing questions" help shift the dialog toward making small, positive steps - the act of which is very important in crisis.

Explore alternatives. The next step in someone's life might involve a community resource, like counseling or shelter. Or it might just involve discussing feelings and alternatives with an empathetic and non-judgmental person. Crisis counselors help people explore their options, and make choices that are best for them.

Establish a safety plan. Above all, if someone has expressed a risk of committing suicide, work with this person to develop a plan for what they will do when they are overwhelmed - who they will call, what health care providers will be contacted, where they will go. Then ask this person to contract with you to execute this safety plan - and call you, or a crisisline - before they decide to act on feelings of suicide.

If we each started treating the people in our lives like this - whether it is our spouses, our children, our co-workers, or even the person sitting next to you at the bus stop - the difference would be truly life-changing, for them and for us. And in some cases, perhaps life-saving.

Raisin consciousness

I was talking back to a box of raisins this morning at breakfast.

No, don't go packing me off to a therapist yet (never mind that I *am* a therapist). These raisins and I have had a relationship going back for years. In fact, I blogged about it previously. For years, Sun-Maid Raisins has put motivational or inspirational sayings on the flaps of their little raisin boxes. Usually good advice about things like smiling more often, or the occasional raisin-centric plug. For a long time, I've enjoyed starting my day seeing what the raisins have to tell me.

I wasn't too happy with the raisins today, however. And there is a good life lesson on communication here that is worth sharing with all of you: when you cross the line from being supportive to telling people what to do, you start getting yourself in trouble.

Today, the raisin box said, "Pick up what you tripped over, so no one else does!" Including the exclamation point. My first reaction? I don't take orders from a box of raisins. And I certainly didn't ask them to be my mother. Their job is (a) to get sprinkled on my oatmeal and eaten, and (b) perhaps to make me smile and feel good. Anything else is shoving their oar in, even if they are a bunch of dried grapes.

A little later, I sat down and examined this reaction. After all, I am one of the most responsible people I know. I'm a mature adult approaching retirement age. I probably would pick up something I tripped over. So if this bothered *me*, how would other people react?

And that is exactly my point. Too many of us - including me sometimes - act like the raisins. We try to correct people. We try to "help" them. We give them advice. We show them the error of their ways. And then we wonder why they never listen to us.

I know the raisins mean well. But in my view, there is only one truly effective way of motivating people: Listen to them. "Get" them. Cheer them on. Understand and empathize with their struggles. And then, if you absolutely must give them advice, do it gently as an equal. Whether you are a person or a box of dried fruit.

Down with willpower!

Almost all of us make resolutions to ourselves, based on willpower - especially on New Year's Eve. A lot of them involve Calvinistic promises to eat less, exercise more, be nicer to Mom, or work harder at your business. And you are probably going to fail at all of them.

Here is why I am so sure about that. These resolutions all involve willpower. And you may not realize it, but willpower is often the worst thing you could try to develop in your life. In fact, I would like you to start looking at willpower for what it really is: the enemy of success.

For my first example, let's take something I see every week as a therapist: conquering your fears. If you are afraid of driving on the freeway, you might think that the best thing to do is screw up your courage, get behind the wheel, and point your car resolutely toward the on-ramp. You know, like all those platitudes about "doing the thing you fear."

Wrong-o. What you are actually doing is sensitizing yourself to your fears, and probably making no progress at all - or worse, setting yourself back. Clinically, the most effective way to conquer fears is to change how you think about them, and then take tiny baby steps that desensitize you. Ironically, while having fears is very scary, getting well from them is often painless if it is done correctly.

For example, I once used to be afraid to fly. (Never mind that I am a former engineering supervisor at Boeing Aircraft.) And I had "exposure" out the kazoo, logging over a quarter million air miles during my management career, all the way up to 19-hour flights to Asia. But then one day I had a two-hour telephone counseling session from a pilot-turned-therapist who runs www.fearofflying.com, focusing on how I viewed the experience of flying. I literally hung up the phone from that session and said to myself "Now I'm ready for this." And ever since, for 50,000 air miles and counting, flying has been like stepping on a bus.

Now, let's take dieting. Something I've done often. What happens every time is that I cut back my calorie intake, get on the treadmill three times a week, and lose exactly 10 pounds. And then get stuck. And stay there, seemingly forever. After which I get fed up and go back to my normal eating habits. So this New Year's, I am not "going on a diet." Instead, I am going to talk to a nutritionist and learn how to eat better for the rest of my life.

Moving to more sensitive territory, let's talk about your career. Do you think that working harder is the cure for your job woes? That is how your boss thinks, of course. I've got a much better idea: pick the most fun thing you could possibly be doing and become absolutely incredible at it. When I finally left corporate life to spend every day doing what I love, many years ago, it wasn't just the best emotional move I ever made - it was the best financial one as well.

Finally, let's look at difficult situations with other people. Resolving to simply been braver or be nicer to others never works - you either slip back into your old habits, or you open your mouth and nothing comes out. Most people feel like deer frozen in the headlights in their most difficult situations, until they are taught to say the right things. Then it becomes incredibly easy to be nice to people, resolve conflict, and negotiate what you want. then watch what happens when you replace willpower with a much more potent force: skill power.

Feel the fear and *don't* do it anyway

Hi there, all you people who write motivational articles about how to "go for it," "feel the fear and do it anyway," and "get out of your comfort zone." I really appreciate what you are trying to accomplish with these articles.

Now, respectfully, could you all please knock it off?

Since I began practice as a psychotherapist, I have done a lot of work with people with anxiety disorders. These are not people with quote-unquote too much stress, but rather people who suffer from issues like fears, phobias, and compulsions. They can't board airplanes, drive over bridges, or stop washing their hands 50 times a day. And whether you know it or not, articles like yours are part of their problem.

Since early 2009 I have been running a group program called "Anxiety Camp," and to a man or woman, its participants all tell me the same thing: well-meaning friends and relatives have always pushed them to engage in "Nike therapy" about their fears (e.g. just do it). The results are always the same. At best they suck it up, muddle through fearful situations, and then feel no better the next time they face them. More often they freak out, have setbacks, and end up worse off than where they started. And then everyone assumes that the sufferer simply isn't trying hard enough.

In reality, trying hard *is* the problem. It goes against your neurobiology. Being afraid is a survival instinct that protects us, and when we try to short-circuit that instinct, our subconscious pushes back - hard. So how do you get well from anxiety disorders? In tiny baby steps. While paying a lot of attention to what you tell yourself. That way, you start re-programming your circuits about what is frightening to you, as you gradually expand your comfort zone.

You see, the suck-it-up types want you to face your fears by gritting your teeth, putting your head down, and enduring situations. At best, doing this simply distracts you and teaches you nothing. At worst, it sensitizes you to situations you really want to become *de*-sensitized to. I want you to learn to become fully present in feared situations. And that almost always requires experiencing them gradually.

To be fair, I do understand the value of these motivational articles. Sometimes people decide to make brave, fundamental moves that change their lives. They choose to take control instead of take cover. And sometimes it works. For example, the day I leaped without a net from corporate life into self-employment will always rank up there as one of the most life-affirming things I've ever done.

But that is not the same as dealing with the fears that, statistically, one in five of us struggle with. And when fearful people read these articles - or worse, are handed them by well-meaning others - they become disheartened. And worst of all, don't realize that from a clinical standpoint, these words are often leading them toward illness and not wellness.

Conversely, when people start taking tiny baby steps from within their comfort zone, magic often starts to happen. I've watched this happen over and over. Anxiety scores drop, limits start disappearing, and people develop a renewed sense of faith in themselves. So if you're fearful, remember: learn all you can about your fears. Take things one small step at a time. And stay far away from motivational speakers.