Image by Ryan McGuire from Pixabay
Grief affects all of us, throughout the course of our lives. From the unimaginable pain of a tragic death, to life changes like illness, career setbacks, retirement or an empty nest, we all experience losses that need healing. Even outwardly happy events like marriage or graduation can leave people feeling lost and struggling with life change. And in the throes of a global pandemic, grief is more rampant than ever nowadays.
Over the past decade, I’ve worked with many grieving people as a marriage and family therapist, and recently completed certification training as a grief counselor. And the biggest question people ask me about their own grief is always: what can I DO about it?
This past year, this issue became personal as well as clinical for me. I found myself suddenly and unexpectedly retired from a very successful speaking and writing career, following a pileup of life stresses and health issues. It shattered my sense of identity and purpose, and I was in a very dark place for several months. During this time, I learned first-hand how much confusing, contradictory and just plain bad advice is out there as you battle your own grief.
But I as move forward with my own recovery – and continue to help others – I would like to put my clinical hat back on and talk about the things you CAN do when you are coping with loss. Let’s take a look at what I and others have found helpful.
The problem with “support”
Client: "I feel overwhelmed with grief. What should I do?"
Therapist: "Sit with your feelings and be present with them."
Client: "And then what?"
Therapist: "What do you mean, 'And then what?'"
This is a common view of grief counseling: provide support and empathy for a natural-if-painful healing process, without giving advice, strategy, or trying to “fix” anything.
Do I agree with this model? Sort of, but not completely. Yes, grief is a natural healing process that takes time. Yes, it’s important to feel your feelings and process them. And absolutely, I’m not in favor of pushing your grief away with things like drinking, drugs or distraction.
But sometimes “support” isn’t enough. Think about it – if you had a broken arm or a splitting headache, would you rather have listening and empathy, or do something about the pain? Too often, we leave people who are hurting very badly with little guidance except to sit there and suffer.
You may not be ready to socialize, engage people, or laugh again, and simply need a good ear. That’s perfectly OK. As for me, however, the kind of “support” described above feels like sitting under a wet blanket. The single biggest thing I personally needed to start recovering was HOPE. That something wasn’t terribly wrong with me. That I wasn’t going to feel this way forever. Perhaps most importantly, what I could do to cope and start feeling better. And this is exactly what many of my own psychotherapy clients sought from me.
So now, let’s look at some of the tools that I feel helped me and others.
Some practical tools for grief
Normalizing. This is a mathematical term that, in counseling, means letting someone know their feelings are normal. Because in addition to sadness and loss, one of the biggest things most people are feeling is “what’s wrong with me?”
In grief, it isn’t at all unusual to experience symptoms like poor appetite, weight loss, insomnia, tearfulness, anxiety, unexpected waves of sadness, and many others. You may feel like every ounce of pleasure has drained out of your life, and wonder if it will ever come back. One survey showed that most widows felt they were going crazy the first year after their loss. So first and foremost, people need to know that in most cases, what they are experiencing is normal and they are going to be OK.
In my first session with a grieving client, I would often say, “If I told you that you may need to spend the next six months to a year of your life taking very good care of yourself, while you heal from this loss, would you find that thought comforting or disturbing?” Most people found it comforting, because it gave them perspective and showed them a light at the end of the tunnel.
I am aware that I’m breaking a cardinal rule of grief counseling here by even suggesting a time frame. It might take one person three months to start healing and another three years, and I tell them that too. But experience has taught me that people feel much more hope when you give them some semblance of a map.
Cognitive restructuring. This is a lofty term for changing the stories you constantly tell your brain. It often works best when you do it in writing: listing your negative thoughts, looking for common errors in thinking, and then re-writing new and more rational thoughts.
This is a core tenet of what we call cognitive-behavioral therapy, or CBT. CBT doesn’t pretend to magically wipe away the pain of grief and loss. But it can make it feel more rational and tolerable. Here are some examples:
· “I’ll never feel better again” turns into “I’m going through a normal healing process.”
· “I could have done more to save my daughter” becomes “I used my best judgment at the time” (or perhaps “I am going to compassionately accept what actually happened.”)
· “Look at all the things I can’t do right now” turns into “This is a time to be kind to myself and adjust my expectations”
· “I am weak and defective” becomes “Here are the strengths I still have”
Behavioral activation. Much advice about grief revolves around how you should BE rather than what you should DO. To paraphrase Frank Sinatra, behavioral activation is more like “do-be-do-be-do.” A powerful evidence-based approach for treating depression, behavioral activation involves choosing activities – even if you don’t feel like doing them – and then seeing if they help or not.
So instead of sitting around the house, you go for a walk, meet the guys or the gals for lunch, take in a ballgame, or learn to play bridge. At first, it may feel like faking it until you make it. But in time, this leads to a roadmap of what daily activities work best for you.
Social support. When you are grieving, it’s OK to let people know you aren’t OK – and perhaps more importantly, let them know what you need from them.
If you aren’t in a place where you want to engage with people, that’s OK too. And not every human being who shows up in your life is nourishing or helpful – so it’s OK to take a pass on your opinionated Uncle Ernie, or that sibling who always pelts you with useless tips and platitudes. But often, the way out of grief is paved with connection with other people.
Self-care. Our minds and bodies have ways to feel better in the moment, if we learn to tap into them and use them. Techniques like diaphragmatic breathing, progressive muscle relaxation and body scanning aren’t cures for grief – and aren’t meant to be – but they are well worth learning and practicing to increase your coping skills and resilience. Same with doing things to be kind to yourself, whether it’s a favorite meal, binge-watching a favorite show, treating yourself to something special – or whatever works best for you.
Spirituality. God may seem mute sometimes when you feel trapped in the throes of grief. But this is a time of healing and reflection, and exploring and connecting with your faith is often part of that journey. For many people healing involves becoming part of something greater than ourselves, often in communion with others, and grief can be a sacred space from which deeper beliefs emerge.
Practical strategies. Finally, I feel the most important role of all for a grief counselor is to help people come up with strategies for getting through the next hour, day or week. Some of the most powerful and effective counseling I’ve done for grieving people has involved encouraging them to get out of Dodge before a painful holiday or anniversary, discussing what to say to people in their lives, strategizing how to get through a tough weekend, and more. I honestly believe that having a sounding board for navigating daily life is the single biggest purpose for seeing a counselor when you are grieving.
In addition, grief counselors often use tools to help people actively process their loss and start to move forward – these can include drawing exercises, structured journaling, rituals of connection, and more. If you are interested in exploring what you can do as self-help, a good place to start is the Grief Recovery Handbook by John James and Russell Friedman, available on Amazon.
Changing the way we look at grief
There is a common narrative about grief nowadays: It takes time. Don’t try to “fix” it. Accept painful feelings and sit with them. And if someone you know is grieving, just be present and listen to them.
Many of these concepts come from old-school psychodynamic therapy, with some trendy mindfulness sprinkled in. For some people, they suffice. For others, they don’t. Personally, I felt this worldview left me mired in goosh at a time when I was desperately seeking answers. So if what you’re hearing from Google or TED Talks isn’t really helping your own grief, you aren’t alone.
This is why I favor a more active approach – one that honors the natural healing process of grieving, and doesn’t promise a magic bullet to take it away, but gives people hope and a game plan for coping and feeling better. With the right support system – and more importantly, the right strategy – I truly believe it is possible to make these very painful transitions more bearable.
