This is because emotionally unstable personality disorder, also known as borderline personality disorder or BPD, is an actual diagnosis. And it is often quite treatable for many people who suffer from it. Which brings me to the topic at hand – emotionally unstable people who are successfully treated do something that would also benefit each and every one of us, if we did it. They learn to behave counterintuitively in their worst moments.
Here’s an example. Relationships with borderline personality sufferers often feel like living inside of a food processor, because one minute you are their best friend in the world, and the next you are the cause of all their problems. This is because they have an intense fear of abandonment, combined with a diminished capacity to process negative emotions. Which means that if you forget to respond to their text message, or sound a little frustrated about something, it can quickly turn into a flashpoint.
So here is how you treat this: you help them to recognize familiar patterns of behavior, and then behave differently when they happen. For example, let’s say that Joe is a BPD sufferer who is upset with his wife Sally because of something she said. Here is how the conversation might go:
Joe: You are always rejecting me! I can’t stand it anymore! I feel like jumping off a bridge!
Sally: Joe, do you think you’re having a borderline moment right now?
Joe: You’re right, Sally, I probably am.
Sally: So how about doing what we’ve planned for these moments – binge-watching your favorite TV show, and then coming back and talking with me in a couple of hours?
Joe: Sounds good – see you then.
Listen carefully: this conversation would sound very unrealistic to most people. Joe would normally not feel like watching TV when he is upset and frantic about Sally, and would not appreciate having his disorder called out. But in this case they have learned – often with the guidance of Joe’s therapist – that naming what is happening and taking a break will work for him in moments like these, so they agree ahead of time to do so. Which means they get all the benefits of a relationship with a BPD sufferer – which is often intense and passionate – while mitigating the drawbacks.
Now let’s circle this same idea around to you and me. *We* don’t inherently know what is best for us in the moment either. So we also need to plan ahead for what to do in our worst moments. And once we have a game plan for those moments, we can learn to master them.
Here is a personal example: every year, I close my therapy practice over the holidays. And because I am usually so busy, I always believe that having all this time off will be fantastic! But then the same thing always happens: within a couple of days, I feel depressed and out of sorts from being out of my routine, and feel stuck in the house by the cold weather.
Now in *that* moment, going back to work seems like the last thing that would help me feel better. But sure enough, going back to work the first week in January always lifts my mood again. So I have learned to plan for purposeful activity over the holidays.
The same thing is true for you. Dreading a fearful situation? It may be time to take a walk. Angry about something? You may need to give it time rather than acting on it. Feeling stuck in your life? This may be the time to connect with your friends. Your worst moments will often go much better with a thoughtfully composed plan - that may, in fact, go against your human nature - which you execute every time you are in that situation.
So take a tip from emotionally unstable people: acting on your feelings is not always a good idea, and making an alternative plan of action in advance is often the key to peace of mind. Because as Benjamin Franklin once said, those who fail to plan often plan to fail.
