Dragging your teenager to therapy

I have a word for those of you who are concerned about your adolescent’s moods or behavior, and are thinking of insisting that they see a counselor. Two words, actually:

Please don’t.

The reason is simple and self-explanatory: remember what you were like as a teenager when your parents made you do anything? There’s your answer. But in case your own adolescent memories are a bit hazy, let me spell it out for you.

First, it doesn’t work. Good therapy never happens at the point of a gun. Explore one’s feelings and strategizing new behaviors needs the kind of conscious, willing effort that no one can ever be talked into.

Second, it is miserable for your kid. Even when people want and need it, psychotherapy usually ranks pretty low on most people’s lists of fun things to do. Add in the punitive atmosphere of being “sent” to counseling, and it becomes almost impossible for positive change to happen.

Third, it is miserable for the therapist. Ever heard of a “shruggie”? That’s what we call an adolescent client who sits there for the whole hour and responds to every statement with a shrug. Good therapists are usually gentle and kind with shruggies, but in terms of any real benefits taking place, you would be better off bringing a potted plant.

My biggest concern is that when sullen teenagers are dragged to therapy, they learn to associate counseling with resistance, stigma, and parental pressure. Which makes it that much less attractive to them in the future, even if they might want or need the help.

Here is an analogy: when I was growing up, my father always tried to get me to read great literature. Was it effective? You bet. Despite being a prodigious non-fiction author for nearly all my adult life, to this day I neither read nor write a word of fiction.

So what can you do when you are worried about your adolescent?

1. Talk with your kids – and more important, listen to them. Listening without judgment and taking their feelings seriously – even when you might not agree with them – starts building the new adult relationship you are both headed toward, and helps them open up to you when they really need help.

2. Make them a free trial offer. If you think your teen isn’t wild about therapy, but really needs the help, suggest what we therapists often propose: go for three sessions, and then let *them* decide whether it is helping them or not. (And then be sure to pick a great therapist who really “gets” adolescents.)

3. Go to therapy yourself. “But I’m not the problem, my kid is!” Fair enough. But therapy is fundamentally a skill-building process, and if you learn skills for how to deal with your teenagers and bring them home, that may be the most effective way to help them. Besides, you might be surprised to learn how many of your adolescent’s problems are actually a dance with two partners.

4. Know when intervention is needed. Some situations do call for counseling, whether or not your teen is willing. The threat of self-harm, suicide, severe mental illness, or risk to others are good examples of this. A good social service agency or crisisline should be able to guide you in situations like these.

Finally, there is the best reason of all to send your son or daughter to therapy: when they ask for help themselves. When it is their independent decision to get counseling, you can become part of their support team – and in the process, start building an adult partnership for good mental health.