What is a "relationship-friendly" therapist?

When I meet with a couple for the first time, I inform them that I am a "marriage-friendly" or "relationship-friendly" therapist. Do you know what this term means?

It sounds like one of those apple-pie-and-motherhood phrases, sort of like being a student-friendly teacher or a patient-friendly doctor. In reality, it is a buzzword with a very specific meaning in our profession. And it is an important distinction among therapists if you ever seek counseling with your partner.

Relationship-friendly therapists serve the relationship, not just the individuals in it. It means that, except in cases of abuse, I will never explore whether a couple should break up or not. As long as they are both there to work on improving the relationship, I am there to work on it with them.

This orientation springs from the larger marriage-friendly therapist movement nationwide, which has several noted clinicians associated with it. There is even a registry of such therapists. (I am not a member - it is rather expensive, and my practice is pretty full already.) And it is important to understand that many very good counselors choose not to follow this orientation, because it isn't right for everyone.

Why do I choose this approach? Primarily for the comfort of the couples I serve. People often feel safer knowing that I will never, ever encourage them to break up. They know that I will always focus on helping them both reconnect, no matter what happens, as long as no abuse is taking place.

By comparison, many therapists have a relationship-neutral orientation that focuses on what is best for each partner. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. But many couples avoid counseling for fear that the counseling process itself may lead to separation, and I explicitly take this fear off the table by privileging the relationship itself as my client.

I also follow this approach because it works. Many couples come to therapy because they have lost hope of solving their problems alone, and I have watched amazing transformations take place when they learn new relationship skills in a safe space with a counselor who will never give up on them. Even in situations that, on paper, may have seemed difficult or even hopeless at first.

Here are some other things worth knowing about relationship-friendly counseling:

We respect your choices. A relationship-friendly therapist will not proselytize either of you to stay together. If you thoughtfully decide to leave your partner, this is your right and your choice, and we do not seek to change your mind. We do, however, explore what we can do to help.

It may not be the right approach for you. For some couples, one or both partners actively want to examine whether their relationship should end. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with this. In cases like these a relationship-friendly therapist would be a poor choice, given our focus on saving and improving relationships, and there are many excellent counselors who are better suited to exploring these issues with couples.

It has ethical implications for individual counseling. I sometimes describe couples counseling as a "one-way door." Once I work with a couple, it would be a conflict of interest to treat either partner for issues that involve their relationship. This means I will probably never serve as either person's individual counselor in the future.

This does not mean that I never meet one-on-one with partners of a couple: in fact, it is good to do this periodically, to check in and discuss issues that may not come up in joint session. Short-term individual counseling for specific issues that do not pertain to the relationship is OK too. But in general, I encourage partners to have their own counselors where appropriate.

Is relationship-friendly counseling right for you and your partner? Click here to learn more about this movement, and become an educated consumer. Counselors like me see it as an important tool for preserving and growing healthy relationships.