What to (Really) Do If You are Lonely

I am writing this during the holidays, which for many people are the loneliest time of the year. It is often dark, cold, and depressing. And for too many, the popular image of holiday togetherness stands in stark contrast to what is going on in their lives. Especially for those struggling with a loss, a breakup, family problems, or simply one more year without a close relationship to anyone.

There are lots of chirpy articles out there with tips about dealing with loneliness. They talk about things like getting a cat, taking a walk, or seeing your favorite movie - many of which do little for the bone-deep sense of isolation that many people feel. Worse, they often tacitly imply that perhaps you should settle for being alone.

I have a different perspective entirely - one that comes from observing people move past deep states of loneliness to find meaning and intimacy. Here are what I have come to feel are three *real* steps for banishing loneliness from your life:

1. Team up. Talking to another human being about your loneliness is no more shameful than talking to a mechanic about your car problems. There are always compassionate people to talk to, right this very moment if you wish. Call a crisisline, visit an online support site, or contact a volunteer support organization. Then be open and honest about how alone you feel.

Or better yet, start seeing a therapist. All right, I am biased. But we are much more than "paid friends." We are trained professionals with the skills to teach - and coach - you how to find more intimacy in your life, within the context of a supportive therapeutic relationship. And we serve as a weekly connection with another human being who is always in your corner. Which brings me to the next point:

2. Learn new interpersonal skills. I don't know why you are lonely. But there are reasons lots of other people are. Here are just a few:

·         You are grieving the loss of someone and don't know how to reconnect with others

·         You feel too old, unattractive, unlikeable, mentally ill, or whatever to have friends or a partner

·         You have social anxiety and it is painful to approach people or risk rejection

·         You - and I mean this in the nicest possible way - don't know how to make other people feel good

·         You are hurting too badly to make room for another person in your life

The common denominator between each of these problems is that they can all be addressed by learning new skills. Whether it is learning how to connect with other people at an emotional level, how to overcome social fears, how to stop judging yourself, or how to work through grief and live again, there are strategies you probably haven't tried yet that can help you.

For example, I developed a handout for clients with social anxiety called "Conversation 101" - essentially, a Betty Crocker cookbook of simple techniques for having a nourishing, five-to-seven minute conversation with anyone. (P.S. If you would like a copy, email me!) It works really well. So if you feel you can't talk to people, well, I bet you can.

Same thing with deciding, for whatever reason, that you don't merit the company of others. Do you know what one of the most surprising things I have discovered from seeing hundreds of clients as a family therapist? That factors like looks, mental illness, or age seem to have almost NO correlation with relationship status. What does have a much bigger factor is your own self-talk - and we can fix that.

3. Start looking at people differently. We all fear rejection from others. Honor that feeling if it looms large for you. But from now on, start looking at your interactions with others as an opportunity to practice the new skills we just discussed, rather than as the sole measure of your self-worth.

A key concept in cognitive-behavioral therapy, which I practice, is to take small steps toward new goals. So stay in your comfort zone as you start interacting with others. One person might go to a large party or networking event, another might have a friend set them up on a low-pressure date, still another may just start saying "hello" to the checkout clerks at Wegmans. It is perfectly all right to go slow if you need to.

Whatever you do, start looking at these encounters the same way you learned to use chopsticks - it's OK even if you make a mess. Treat yourself regardless as someone who is worthy of the love of others. Perhaps sooner than you think, you will find that people respond in kind. And over time, you will find yourself building more connections with others.

I find that many lonely people view their situation as a fate handed down by God. But my actual experience is that overcoming loneliness is much more of a skills-based process - one that often leads people to a new reality of being liked and loved. I hope that you will find joy and intimacy in your life as well.